I guess and doubt and fear seem to be a common theme in my life. Another common theme is inconsistency. When things get kinda crazy in life it's really hard for me to keep a clear view of my goals and what I really want. I feel like I'm spinning around just trying to deal with everything around me and before I know it I've totally forgotten my goals. I'm trying to figure out a way to keep myself on track everyday so I don't feel like I have to start over all the time and really never move forward.
I've found that exercising by myself keeps my mind on track and my goals very clear. I think that's the only quiet time I have where I can think without interruptions and pray and feel motivated and energized to do what I need to do.
When someones sick or I'm not feeling well I get lost in my families lives and needs and totally forget myself and my goals and dreams. But I'm sure this is part of being a mother. For the early years of childrens lives a mother learns to sacrifice and give up her most of her wants for the needs of her family. But there's also a need for a mother to take a little bit of time for herself - to not neglect her own needs and forget that her happiness matters too. After having children it seems that all of life is trying to find the right balance between the needs of your family and your own. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Being a wife and a mother is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. The sacrifices really don't seem like a sacrifice since I receive so much more in return. When little arms are thrown around my neck and I get a loving kiss, from my two year old, on my cheek and a "wuv you" I feel my cup is running over with happiness.
I guess that's why I really want to learn to paint portraits and figures. So much of my happiness comes from the beautiful people in my life. If I could learn to capture what I feel about them and a portion of who they are I would be completely satisfied. There is so much beauty and majesty in God's children. I think when we see we only catch glimpses of how He sees us. Learning to see is the hardest thing. I think little children see most like Him because they love everyone they meet. They see the good in everyone. I think we lose that slowly as we start to have experiences that replace that love with distrust, or that confidence with fear. I think that's why we are commanded to be like little children. We need to again learn to love without fear and trust our own judgements and our hearts.
My struggle is so often to trust my own judgement and to beleive in myself. This applies to everything in life - how you live, how you love and even how you paint. So I turn to a loving Father in Heaven who believes in me and my dreams to help me believe in myself. He gives me hope and courage to keep trying and enough weaknesses to keep me humble and dependent on Him. I love Him and my Savior and know that they will help me to not lose sight of what I need to do to find the greatest happiness in life - and what you need to do. Their communication is very personal and powerful and will help us to not just change behaviors but become more than we could ever be on our own.
When I started this post I didn't know if I had anything to say. But even as I take time to write and think I learn something new from the Spirit. So I think the trick for me is to take time to slow down, whether that means walking, writing or painting. I did the above painting using Trent Gudmundsen's color pallet. I've had the picture for awhile that I took up the canyon on a beautiful fall day. I love it there.
